i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
