you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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