saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
