When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
