if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
