I cannot find my penis.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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