i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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