Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
