I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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