He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
