Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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