my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
