Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
