this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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