I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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