grandma shit on top of the toilet
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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