So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
