If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
