I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
