I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
