Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
