Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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