your parents love me but you hate me
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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