tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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