we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
