You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
