dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
