I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
