morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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