Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
