Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
