between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
