Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the day after is always just damage control
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
