Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
