she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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