I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
