youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
