I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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