and you said cock pushups were impossible
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
