Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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