Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
