I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
