I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
