i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
