Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
