Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
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