the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The beer is more important than you right now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
