A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
