we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
