I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
