My brain says no but my pants say off.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
