i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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