cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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