I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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