my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
