I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize