You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
