I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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